The Power of Choice

Reflecting on 2020, it is a year of loss but also great gain. 2020 has been a year of incredible personal and spiritual growth for me. I was stretched to great lengths. Strangely, in experiencing loss we realize the things that we often take for granted. In that loss I became aware of the things I had not appreciated and did not know mattered. 

All those years I had just accepted my husband’s contributions to the family but hadn’t appreciated them. I had high expectations. I looked to him to fulfill my emotional wants and needs and acted indifferent when he failed. 

When he left I saw how much his presence and influence blessed me. I felt utterly lonely from the withdrawl of companionship and access to my confidant. 

A practice that I had not exercised was to express appreciation or thanks for the support my husband gave. Instead I had often heaped on dissatisfaction and negative criticism to anything he did. As I fought the separation and begged him to give me a chance I started verbalizing my appreciation.  Each day I tried to find something to thank him for, whether it was helping the kids with homework, picking up milk, taking care of a bill, etc. Slowly, verbalizing these things were making me accountable to accepting his contributions and started generating true gratefulness in my heart for him. 

I had lived like a princess expecting him to revolve around me in many ways. Now as a single parent I had to put on the full weight of responsibility in a way I had not before. When we were together I often would check out mentally or expect him to act first in things that needed to be done. I had to get in a mode of working as a team and continuing to help with the kids, clean up, etc, even after I came home from a full day at work. Its not that he wanted me to take the bulk of the responsibilities but to share more in them. It was overwhelming to imagine being a single parent permanently.  To carry this weight separate yet have to “share” the responsibility of the kids. I realize this is sadly what many women have to endure. 

I want to write to the women like me who struggle in sacrificing for your family and spouse. Do you see yourself as superior to your spouse and think your way is best? What does your spouse do that you can be grateful for? Do you need to acknowledge your spouse’s contributions to you and your family more? 

I needed a wake up call. I needed to be humbled and learn to submit to God and live out His way in marriage. 

In 2020 I lost security in my marriage and found security in God. 

I lost a spirit of ungratefulness and developed thankfulness. 

I stand in victory. It’s not a victory of temporary happiness, an Outlander series love affair or a life of naive expectations, but raw realness and hope of a life that was meant to be lived anchored to God. 

I was driven by insecurity, fear, anger, doubt and negativity. When I was driven by all these emotions I was a basket case. I remember having a total meltdown with my counselor over the possibility of my husband leaving me. I kept saying I can’t do this, I don’t want this, and I spiraled downward into a hopeless void of fear and uncertainty. That’s when I learned that I didn’t have to be driven by my emotions and whims. Regardless of what my husband did or how the circumstances panned out I could be at peace. I focused my thoughts on doing good. This was not easy as my husband was full of years of buried hurts and anger toward me that came out in floods. Though he was more of an enemy to me at that time I had security knowing I was responsible for my actions and responses. I refused to come back with sarcastic or jabbing words as much as I could manage. 

I could CHOOSE to be responsible for my actions and my life. This power of choice was a steadying and comforting thing. My husband even realized after a while with my vastly different approach and responses to him, that I had indeed changed for the better. That the old me with my negative patterns and being driven by whatever emotion was controlling me was more calm and collected. 

In regards to my husband’s unwise choices, I certainly did have valid concerns and fears in regards to this female coworker, based on the past struggles he had with infidelity. However I couldn’t let them control me. I also risked giving him more freedom to sin so to speak by being separate from me. However I was not willing to live with him until he had made the choice to commit to our marriage and stay with me. He did follow through with quitting his side job connected to her, blocking her number and his social media connections to her. He came over daily when he wasn’t working to be with the children and help with school. I invited him to stay for dinner or to join us for certain family outings. 

Slowly but surely as he saw the way I acted and chose to respond, he warmed to me and the consideration of our marriage. I wish I could say it was a magical moment or a big change of heart on my husband’s part that brought us together. It was partly a moment of weakness bringing us together sexually when we’d been apart for over a month but through that physical connection we also chose to continue trying. He moved back in and I continued to plant good. 

The biggest change I made was daily speaking affirmation. I do not know what book this comes from but a friend of mine had told me about the 5 A’s and practicing these daily with your spouse. 

The A’s 

1. Affection: Hug, kiss, hold hands
2. Appreciation/Admiration: tell your spouse what you appreciate about them 
3. Ask: Ask how you could help your spouse that day or the next 
4. Apology: Ask for forgiveness if you have something to say, or ask “Have I offended you today?” 
5. Amen: Pray Together 

All of these are helpful especially with keeping your relationship “cleaned up” daily. By showing affection we are keeping our hearts tender to one another. By appreciation we are letting our spouse know we value them. By asking if you have offended them gives opportunity to clear the air if there are hidden frustrations or hurts from the day. Asking to help, enables you to view yourselves as a team and tackle the things they most need support in. Prayer ties us back to the God of our hope. 

This small task of doing the A’s daily does make a difference in the atmosphere of our marriage. 

 I wish I could say that I feel full confidence and victory in our relationship. I wish I could say I’ve conquered and we are fully healed and at 100%. Yet in my journey and learning this year we go through seasons in our marriage. 

I know many of you reading this post are mainly seeking to find answers and hope for recovery from your spouse’s infidelity. The work of rebuilding is not for the faint of heart. If you value your spouse, and can find things to be thankful for, and you want to keep fighting, one word of advice….FOCUS ON TODAY. Don’t waste time imagining months or years from now or dwelling on the past. If you are anchored in Jesus, ask yourself,  “What does walking out faithfulness to God look like today?” When we focus on the months of healing ahead, the fears, questions, and concerns of the future, the task of overcoming this healing and forgiving process are overwhelming.  We want to give up. But when we live in THIS day and walk steady knowing that we can CHOOSE to walk in obedience to God whatever the day may bring, we can last through the day. God is here in THIS moment. The future of our fears and imaginations are terrifying because God isn’t there in our worst case fantasy imaginations. He’s here at this moment and He knows our future. We don’t know the future, but God will be there with us when we get to that time frame. 

Could I have imagined a separation after all we had healed through 4 years earlier with the affair? Would I ever have imagined my life would have taken the turns it has? Yet despite the worst I believed was to come from these experiences the best of God’s presence and spiritual growth and maturity has emerged. 2020 was a year of intense stretching and growing. I pray for God’s grace to continue planting good this year in my marriage and for a blossoming in 2021. 

Today January 1st 2021 is a new start, a new beginning. How can you walk faithfully today? God is here right now. Listen, learn, trust. Praying that you would grow and bloom in this coming year as well.