Now What? Making Decisions

If you have a spouse involved in infidelity, you are probably looking for answers and trying to make a decision. This is a decision to stay in the marriage and work through it or leave and start over. When you first find out your spouse is unfaithful, you experience a whirlwind of emotions. Your life probably feels as wreaked and upside down as this abandoned barn. You find some vines have grown up in your marriage, trash that needs to be taken out, a mess that needs to be straightened, and a relationship that needs to be rebuilt and restored if you choose to stay.

It has been 5 years since my husband’s confession to an affair. Then 4 years later we went through a separation which was another season of struggle in our marriage. A year after the confession we were making progress, healing, and moving forward but I had trouble forgetting. I also failed to truly change for the better after finding I was responsible for playing a part in the atmosphere of our marriage and its success. So four years after rebuilding from the affair, my husband was making bad decisions and taking steps that would lead to another one if he didn’t choose to stop.

I have found myself full circle now sharing my experiences in a small women’s group I lead on marriage in crisis. As I have grown through all of these experiences and especially in the last year since the separation I have some new perspective in this area of decisions that I want to share.

Ask yourself, is my marriage worth saving? This may not only be about you or the painful emotions you will go through. What other lives are affected here? Do you have children?

Is your spouse repentant? Or at least willing to work through this with you and a counselor? I will say that after the affair 5 years ago, my spouse was repentant and followed through with actions that showed his sincerity. Before our separation last year, he had a breach in emotional boundaries with another woman. After the separation, he was willing to come back and give us a try, but there was less solid commitment or apology. In this situation, I chose to continue doing my part to love and respect him and show the fruits of my change. After a time, he apologized and had the fruits of follow-through, but it was a slower process.

Ask God to lay a specific verse or promise concerning your decision on your heart. I believe God can speak to your heart and give you wisdom in a decision. This decision can feel overwhelming for those who desire God’s will for their lives and marriage. Here’s what we know, Scripture does give allowance for divorce under the circumstances of unfaithfulness, but it is not to be used as a cop-out. I wanted to look at this scripture as my out. “Well, I’m free of guilt now. He cheated, and so now I’m free to go. I wasn’t happy in that marriage anyway.” That was something similar to the thoughts I had. Yet again, my thoughts about leaving were based on my own unhappiness, which was really caused by my personal selfishness and ungratefulness in my marriage.

So God answered me. His promise- His word to me about my situation was this:

Isaiah 43:19

19 For I am about to do something new.

See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?

I will make a pathway through the wilderness.

I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

My spouse and I knew we couldn’t get through this situation, but God told us He would make a way. I surprised myself with the ability to forgive, grow, and heal. But I know it wouldn’t have been possible without God walking with me and making a way.

Back to making a decision. For a Christian God’s will isn’t some difficult thing to figure out. His word is full of truth on how to live life and obey Him. That is His Moral Will. Then you have His Sovereign Will which can give great comfort. No matter what happens God in His Sovereignty will never be taken by surprise. His ultimate plan which is good for us will never be derailed by mistakes our spouses commit or mistakes we make. God allows us to make choices and if we choose to disobey his word there are consequences. If we obey and follow through with faithfulness on our part God will bless that. You will be fruitful. Your obedience and godly choices are not wasted in God’s kingdom despite what your spouse does.

Here are 5 things to do when you need confirmation in making a wise choice

1. Pray – Ask God to give you wisdom. Submit yourself to Him. Say, “I am here Lord. I’m listening. What do you want me to do?”
2. Read the Word of God–ask God to lay a scripture verse on your heart or promise from His word for your situation
3. Circumstances- Is your spouse willing to work to rebuild? Is he repentant? Do you have children in the marriage to consider?
4. Godly Counsel- This is not friends spitting venom on your spouse and telling you to get out. These should be grounded Christian leaders, mentors, or friends who can pray with you and help give insight and wisdom.
5. Peace- If all these things are in agreement with your choice, do you feel at peace making this decision? If there is unrest take some more time to consider this and what is keeping you from having peace about it.