Letting Go of the Past

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S. Lewis

Leave the past behind and move forward… How do I do that? God has done a lot in my life and in our marriage and healing. Many factors have contributed to being able to move towards healing and “normalcy” after the affair. Most I contribute to my husband’s repentance and our clean cut from the toxic relationship we both shared with the partner. Our move and change of scenery also helped a lot in the situation.  It gave us a sense of a fresh new start.

My husband and I have been in a Bible Study group with our church this spring. We have had a special time of sharing and prayer after each session. The week that I and my husband were prayed for someone in the group felt lead to pray for us to let go of the past and move forward. They encouraged us that God wants to do new things and move us forward but we need to stop looking at the past.

Will we forgive our spouse for the affair? By the grace of God yes. Will we forget it? Never. There are moments & days I don’t think about it, but there will be reminders and thoughts that pop up where we can never fully forget that it happened. I think for me the question is, where will I allow my thoughts to go when those reminders pop up? The mind is a powerful thing. The more I dwell on my husband’s mistake or imagine him with her or think about the past, the less I can embrace his love for me or his attempts to connect with me in the here and now.

My husband has told me that he had to give her and her family to God and let it go and stop thinking about her or the destruction he caused to their family with the affair. It was too painful and unproductive so he blocks it from his mind. I truly believe my husband has let it go and have noticed in the way he relates to me, he is the way he was before everything happened. Yet if we’re watching a movie that has some type of infidelity in it, he might make a comment that woudn’t have normally bothered me. Its usually a comment about the character or maybe their motive etc… but I in those moments am reminded and judge him again.

The night our Bible Study group specifically prayed over my husband I felt convicted of the fact that often I still was not looking at Him from God’s perspective. My husband has truly repented and surrendered his life to God. The past hurts, and I can’t ignore the fact it happened and that there still needs to be trust that’s built and integrity that needs to continually be pursued. But my husband is a new man and a Child of God. My responsibility is to forgive the past and live in the present with him and who he is today.

I feel like I am at a turning point right now. I’ve even questioned some about blogging. It was very helpful to me to blog even about the hard stuff because it helped me to process and to see how far God has taken us and the lessons we’ve learned. However I am now in a season where sometimes writing about my past and processes in the healing are taking me back to those moments. I get stuck emotionally in them at least in my thoughts and then I can’t see my husband in the here and now.

Tonight is one of those moments where I feel emotionally trapped in the past. I had to go back in my journal and read a prayer I wrote on February 22nd 2018. I call it The Hannah Prayer. The story of Hannah is in the first two chapters of 1 Samuel in the Bible. Hannah was married to a man who had a second wife. The other wife had many children while Hannah had none. She was greatly humiliated and grieved over the fact that she didn’t have children. The family would travel yearly to make a special sacrifice in a certain town. While they were there Hannah was so upset she wouldn’t even eat. After the family finished the meal Hannah got up and went to the tabernacle by herself. She poured out her heart to God pleading for a child, and even vowed to give the child back to God to be used in the ministry at the tabernacle. What gets me is that Hannah had no guarantee that her request would be granted, no real proof, other than the priest wishing her well. Yet Hannah walked away with peace. She sat down and ate and was no longer downcast. What was her secret? I think it was that She BELIEVED. She left it in God’s hands and she trusted him with the outcome. God answered her prayer. Her son Samuel went on to be a Prophet and powerful leader of God’s people.

So I wrote this prayer asking God specifically for what I want in our marriage.

“Jesus will you please make my marriage new. Will you give me a love for him that is so real and committed and genuine. Will you make our sex life better and more fulfilling than before. Will you give us a companionship that is truly deep and satisfying. Would you extend the boundaries of our ministry and our testimony. Would you make us truly one in heart, mind, body and in Christ. Will you make this second half of our lives more joyful, fruitful, fulfilling, loving, and God glorifying. Jesus make us better than we ever were, just like Joseph’s life, where the second half of his life was so good it was as if he had forgotten all the hardship he went through before. Jesus heal our marriage and make it new and beautiful.” Amen

I want to be like Hannah. God help me to leave this in your hands. Help me to let go of the past and live within the now and look to our future.

Friend this is for those of you who have had a similar experience to mine, in that your husband was repentant and willing to rebuild the marriage with you. I know there are many of you who have not had this experience or are still too early in the discovery of the affair, that moving on from the past is not possible right now. My heart goes out to many of you, some who still have their spouse continuing in the affair or addiction to porn etc. May you feel God’s presence with you as you wade through these deep painful waters and wait for clarity as to how to proceed.