Go With Your Gut

 

 

Looking back I now clearly see the warning signs that were around me of the impending affair about to happen. I had internal feelings, sensitivities, and awareness that something wasn’t right. I could feel the distance in my husband.

I also felt a deep discomfort and insecurity with the regular communication I knew he was having with this individual. Because this person was close to me as well and our families were close, it felt more excusable for them to have interaction.

I remember one week when she was staying with us, after walking into the house I was instantly surrounded by a presence of discomfort. I sensed something had happened and questioned in my head if I had walked in on them being unfaithful, but both of them were in separate rooms. I could just sense in my spirit and feel it in the air that something was not right. Taking her to the airport, I hugged her goodbye but stayed with the car since we parked on the airport curbside drop off and let my husband help carry her bags inside. I sat in the car reading a book. And as the minutes seemed to tick by I wondered if he was kissing her goodbye.

I had dreams about them together and going to them with a gun to my head telling him I hoped he was happy then blowing my brains out. The week of Christmas he had been to see her and almost got held at work the day of Christmas. He managed to get off for Christmas Day and came home. We had hardly seen him but one evening the entire week. And after opening presents he Skyped with her family while I was preparing food for our extended family to come. I was disappointed by how taken he seemed with communicating with them, when I just wanted our family time together.

With all of these things you would think I would have known. My spirit did, but my mind didn’t. And even though I didn’t believe he was cheating because he would reassure me nothing was going on, there were still boundaries being crossed that shouldn’t have been.

I am going to just speak from my opinion and personal experience, but when we are married we can’t have close friendships with people of the opposite sex. At the time I was trying to see from my husband’s perspective that she was a friend and that she could understand him and was encouraging him because they had similar backgrounds. She was my friend too wasn’t she? We texted back and forth as well. She lived long distance, what danger was there in that? Besides his false reassurances and my excuses, I still personally felt threatened by the interactions and attention as well as looking at things in reverse. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable texting or Skyping with her husband in the same way so why was it ok for him to?

We used to have rules when we were first married that may seem a bit extreme for some but were good safeguards. One was not allowing anyone of the opposite sex alone into the house unless our spouse was there as well. We also followed this practice with driving in a car, and not riding alone with someone of the opposite sex.

Years before my husband’s affair I had crossed boundaries as well with emotional intimacy with a pastor friend. At that time I was reaching out for support and felt a lack in my husband’s spiritual interest and leadership. It was a dark depressing time for me, and instead of reaching out for my spouse I sought out the pastor. Had it been in a place of accountability it wouldn’t have been bad to seek counseling from a pastor. But it was over the phone, texts, and facebook messages where I shared emotionally and we related more as friends rather than counseling in a professional way. My husband was uncomfortable with this and I got to the point I would hide the messages or texts I received or wrote to this friend. I did not have romantic feelings for this person or do anything inappropriate in a physical sense, but it was wrong for me not to respect my husband’s feelings and for me to hide my communication. We ended up leaving that church and I do clearly see now especially with the affair my husband had, how I had set myself up for danger in that situation.

As spouses we should be able to tell our partner if something or someone makes us feel uncomfortable. And we should have the humility to respect that and honor that request. In both myself and my husband’s situation neither of us were humble or willing to listen to the other’s concerns. We both tried to justify our behaviors. Though we had to go through all the pain to get here. I believe for both of us now, we recognize the dangers and are both more open and willing to “let go” of a relationship or situation that could cause danger or even if it just makes the other person feel uncomfortable. Our marriage counselor put it into great perspective. What are we willing to give up for the sake of our marriage? Does this facebook friend matter more than my spouse and our intergrity? Or maybe it comes closer to home with a friend of the opposite sex that is closer to us? But who did we choose to spend our lives with? Who did we marry? Our spouse needs to have a say in our lives in guarding our hearts, affections, and attentions for each other. And if someone makes your spouse feel really uncomfortable you need to respect their feelings.

I just read a passage in a book by Bob and Audrey Meisner called “Best Friends Best Lovers”.

……”Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18). “That’s why I now love and embrace humility every chance I get. Humility is our protection against sin; it helps us to recognize and understand our deep, inherent need for God every day. But I almost lost everything dear and precious to me before I learned that lesson.”

”Pride told me that I didn’t need boundaries with guys like other girls did. My marriage was strong and protected. Pride said that I could enjoy a little attention on the side because I could control my thoughts and urges and nothing would ever come of it. Pride nearly destroyed me.”  (Taken from “Best Friends Best Lovers” p.119 )

This is from a woman who has been there done that. I blogged more about their Story here .   She had an affair, so she well knows the part pride played in her downfall. We each have to guard our hearts in this area.

I realize even with our examples from our marriage that both of us were prideful and not willing to listen to the other about the concerns we had. It is sad that the affair opened our eyes to the reality of the need for these boundaries and humble attitude towards each other’s feelings. But we move forward now taking these steps seriously and if the offending spouse wants to help build trust back in the marriage there needs to be accountability and boundaries in these areas.