Dreams and Unpleasant Reminders

Everything that I have written about so far has been the past memories of my story.  I’m going to fast forward a moment to the now.  Since my husband’s confession to an affair its been 168 days. God has done a lot in our lives since then. I can remember the early days of having the painful thoughts almost non stop for weeks. It just seemed like this dark cloud that followed me no matter what I did. I remember it being a relief about two weeks afterwards, to go to a Zumba training and get distracted enough that my mind had a blessed break for a good portion of that day.  I just wanted to feel “normal”, secure, and not constantly think about the affair.  Now it is a blessing to go most days without dwelling on the affair. Some days I might even get by with nothing more than a fleeting thought. But there are reminders that will come up despite our desires that they didn’t. Sometimes simple things like knowing someone with the same name as the partner in the affair brings up reminders, which is something that happened to us. For awhile it seemed necessary to clarify by using both the first and last name of the person with the same name.

Sometimes insecurities and thoughts of comparison come up for me. I’m not sure how some women deal with this if they did not know or at least see the partner. It was hard for me because I knew her and had always felt inadequate in a physical sense to her. But I’m sure whether we have or have not seen them, it is tempting to feel inadequate or defeated. I try to take comfort in the fact that my husband still chose me. That he realized what he was throwing away in our relationship.

This past week was Thanksgiving and our kids were with their grandparents for some needed visiting and spoiling time while school was out. For two days after the holiday my husband and I had the chance to be together for a whole date weekend. It was wonderful and really the first time I felt since the confession I was able to just really enjoy us. It felt “normal” for the first time. I also had the “feelings” of love. Love is a choice, but it is nice when it is also accompanied by the feeling of being in love and enjoying your spouse. During a fun game of Charades with just the two of us, the topic did come up and some of my insecurities, but it was good in that I could voice those and we could talk it out.

This morning I woke up from a dream about him having another affair. Most of my dreams are pretty wacky and crazy, but the feelings and thought processes of this one felt so real.  I remember thinking my dad was right, that I shouldn’t have trusted  him again, and now what was I going to do? I was trying to figure out where I would live and how to start over. But the anger and the pain I felt that it happened again was so strong. I woke up glad that it was not my reality but still feeling the doubts and fears and asking myself,  am I foolish to trust him again?

I did my devotions this morning and bowed in prayer over the bed. My husband came in from his shift work and bent beside me. I told him about having the dream. And we just held each other and cried and prayed.  These moments can feel overwhelming but it can be healing to talk through them and pray together. It helps with the bonding and it also helps your spouse to see the pain they have caused you.

So today,  still lingering in thoughts over the dream and the question of am I foolish to trust him? This is what I know. There are no guarantees that it won’t ever happen again. I do believe that my husband’s character has greatly changed and a deep relationship with Jesus is a big factor in living in integrity. So is this still a bad decision? I think this is a case where what my friend told me about needing a word from God is important. I believe that this is the path God wants me to walk.

I used to choose to believe in “bubbles” and just bubble my life in sections. I could try to pretend something didn’t happen or choose not to know because I wanted to live in my little bubble. But that is not reality either.  I also tend to think as a pessimist, unfortunately, and constantly think of the bad what ifs. So what if he has another affair? Will I choose to live my life expecting the worse and not trust God with the outcome? If it were to happen it would be very hard, but God will never forsake me. I am never alone. I know I’m on a tangent at the moment …..but I suppose that’s why I don’t like movies with lots of hardship or tragedy.  For instance “The Light Between Oceans” now I will admit I did not finish the movie, maybe it had a happy ending… But it had my husband and I crying and so depressed we had to turn it off after her miscarriages. I told my husband why movies like this were so hard for me. It’s because often Hollywood has no room for God in their films. There is no presence of God in the struggles, there is no mercy of the cross, no Hope in their plights because God is missing. You can feel the utter despair in these films. But!! We have Hope though our struggles can still be very real and difficult there is One with us who will never leave us.

So as I drove home from work with the remnants of the dream bugging me I went back to my “survival playlist” from the time of the affair. This was a song I needed to hear again, and remember God’s faithfulness in moving mountians and that He has never failed me.