The Secret to Rebuilding Trust

Boundaries

“A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.” Proverbs 25:28

The word boundary, limits, or confines can sound restrictive, giving a feeling of negative connotation.

Back in Bible days boundary lines for land defined possession. A sense of pride and belonging was felt with the inheritance of land. The Israelites were given area plots in the Promise Land. Some tribes, however, couldn’t just settle the land immediately, they had to fight off enemies who were already there. Ancient cities were built with a surrounding wall to provide protection. If an enemy was able to breach the wall, they had access to defeat the city.  

Through infidelity the enemy has breached the wall. If you and your spouse are trying to rebuild trust and protect against another breach, boundary building is necessary. Our world abounds with threats to our walls. As an ancient city could choose what to let through its gates, you have a choice to stop or limit what gets access to you. The greatest influence in today’s world comes through the web. Instant access to porn, hook ups, old Facebook friend connections, and various social media platforms can be overwhelming.

Being accountable on social media is important, especially if the affair involved virtual communication or friendship through those means. These platforms need to be eliminated, or account access shared with the spouse who was betrayed. Willingness to give the betrayed spouse access to the offender’s cell phone is also a sign of repentance and accountability. A wise practice is to have godly accountability partners who can check in with the offender. Adding location sharing to cell phones is also helpful in building trust. That way you are aware of your spouse’s destinations.

If your spouse is willing to work on saving the marriage they need to learn the importance of rebuilding and upholding boundaries. In today’s world we can’t just guard against temptations of the opposite sex but anyone or anything that is threatening the building, intimacy and exclusivity of your marriage.

Though you may not have cheated, be on guard yourself! I was hit with temptations after my spouse’s affair. Angry emotions, looking for attention, wavering commitment, and craving revenge, I was in a dangerous position. I had to pray and focus on the fact God wanted me to stay in my marriage and rebuild. Overcoming bitterness and resentment, I too had to become accountable and cut away Facebook friends or distractions that were getting in the way of recommitting to my spouse and our healing.  

We may not like boundaries but consider this. As we enjoy the warmth and glow of a bonfire the enjoyment and usefulness lies in its appropriate containment. Once a fire breaks through its boundaries it can destroy the house and anything in its path. Understanding the purpose boundaries provide enhances our enjoyment of the object we are protecting. It shows we value that relationship and are willing to guard it against destruction.

As a couple, pray together and seek to make Jesus the center of your relationship. When He is the center, those boundaries become a way to glorify God in our marriage.

 And I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord, and I will be the glory in her midst.”

Zechariah 2:5