Embracing the Other Woman, a Testimony

I had imagined it many times. Played out the scenario over and over and in various ways. Sometimes my fist hit her in the face. Sometimes I fired angry accusations and questions of why? Sometimes I imagined hugging her and crying, but then sitting her down to talk things out. I always judged her in some way in my scenarios. In truth I never knew for sure if I would ever see her in person again. Then I found out she would indeed be coming to an event that both of us would be tied to in February 2022. I hadn’t seen her or spoken to her in 6 years.  I mentally prepared myself. I also wrote a letter to give to her, as the event didn’t allow for much time to talk. Our time would be short so I wanted a way to express my feelings and the things that had hurt me. I never got to talk to her after I found out about the affair. I found two other letters today that I had written to her maybe several months after trying to heal my marriage. They were letters of bitterness over what I had lost because of her actions. I felt robbed in so many ways. Robbed of friendship and trust with her, robbed of security in my marriage, and robbed of intimacy and exclusivity with my spouse.  Though I never sent these letters to her, it helped me to process my feelings at the time. 

No one could have predicted how I would respond to her or how that day would have gone. God is truly incredible. His timing and His ways are perfect. From the emotional level that I am at to repeated spiritual messages in sermons and life lessons recently, He was preparing me for this moment with her. My letter to her this time was completely different from the others, full of bitterness and laments over lost things. Though I had mentioned loss, I also fully identified what I had NEVER lost. I had never lost WHOSE I was. My confidence and unshakable faith in my God had only increased and grounded me through that experience. 

Two days before I was to see her in person a Facebook memory popped up from exactly 4 years earlier. This was a day I had met with a friend who told me she believed one day I would embrace the other woman. That I would no longer feel that I had to compare myself with her, and that my scars would no longer be open wounds bleeding out.  It amazed me that timing-wise these words had been spoken 4 years ago and it had taken me that long to be prepared for this moment. 

I asked for prayer from a number of people who knew my situation as it neared. 

One thing that helped me was choosing to forgive. I knew I had done so and would act that way towards her though that did not mean that my relationship would be restored with her or look anything like it had before. 

The day arrived and by God’s mercy I was surrounded in a bubble of peace and love. The anxiety, stress, anger, hatred, resentment, and pain was not present. I saw her and willingly approached her and pulled her into a long hug. We held each other and rocked for some time. Nothing of real meaning was spoken, just compliments on hair etc. We exchanged letters (I chose to read hers after the event in privacy). At the end of the event I hugged her again, essentially saying goodbye forever. She followed me to my car and I asked about her children and what she was doing in her church and spiritual life. The answers were cut short by time but I know in that timeframe she could feel my love and was fully aware of the loss of my friendship and the consequences of her actions. I felt the loss too. I miss her in truth. God has enabled me by grace to forgive her and let go of being her judge, but there is still wisdom in not allowing that situation to happen again and keeping a separation between our families.

I felt freedom, in being able to love her and move on. To let go of the past and the resentments and move forward with my life. When my friend spoke those words four years earlier I told her it was hard to believe. That I couldn’t imagine embracing her at that time. Yet God did so much more than that. I felt an assurance of belonging to God, of being an ambassador of His love and life in a situation that otherwise was completely broken. That is the power of God. He can rewrite stories that humanly speaking are not repairable in any way. He can do the impossible. 

Every story of infidelity is different. The betrayal and response of your spouse or the other woman will be different from my story. They may never repent. 

However, what happened, happened. It cannot be changed. So what will your response be? You can choose to stay angry and bitter for the rest of your life. You can choose to stand in judgement over the offenses of the other parties. But all the while you are the one who is entrapped. It’s a heavy miserable load to carry. It’s a pain that stays with you and never leaves, unless you choose to forgive and give it to God. 

Forgiving them doesn’t mean what happened is ok. It doesn’t have to mean you become best friends with them again and lay your heart out to be broken and disregarded again. But it means you can walk forward in life without constantly clenching the past in hatred. Not spending hours wasted playing out the judgements you wish would be inflicted upon them. Forgiveness frees YOU! 

Actions are not without consequences. The other woman in my story feels and knows the consequences of her actions. Our friendship which she put many hours and investment in is gone and can never be recovered. I chose to obey God by forgiving her. I chose to move on with my life. I learn from my past, but I don’t have to live there and wallow in the memory of what was or what was lost. 

This testimony is proof that God can help you to overcome infidelity. God can help you to move forward with your life and have hope for your future. In many ways for me this was the final step I needed to process and say goodbye to that part of my life. It was always hanging there because I never chose to talk with the other woman after the affair.

I used to feel that I had to compete with her. That she was always better than me when it counted. But I know now who I am. I am a child of God. I have great worth. I am part of a masterpiece that God is making. I am full of fruitfulness and purpose. I don’t need to stand in her shadow or to look like her or be like her. God made me unique. I don’t need to compete or compare myself with her. 

Be encouraged. This is not the end. Your story does not have to end here where betrayal was discovered. There is a God who loves you unconditionally and can heal you in ways you never thought possible. And regardless of whether that relationship with your spouse is fully restored or not, you will be held and sustained when you trust in Jesus. He will never abandon you. He is Faithful and always will be. I will never know what it’s like to have a faithful spouse. But I know what it is to have a Faithful God who has never let me down. He is the Rock I cling to, the Hope I have and the Future I look forward too.