The School of Separation part 1

I thought our fight was over. I thought I was on the right path this past February. What I didn’t know was that I was on the right path but there were going to be major bumps and pitfalls I was going to have to go through to get where God was trying to move me. It is eerie to read my last post and realize how my desire to be my husband’s friend, and change the selfish negative things in me had been exactly what I was asking God for. That before our marriage nearly fell apart again, God had been prepping my heart and getting me ready to put my obedience and follow through where my spoken words had been. He was calling me to dig and plant in a garden full of weeds. To continue to plant and sow good even if I didn’t see fruit.

How it started exactly I can’t say. But in reference to my last post “Fight or Flight” I had truly ripped open a hole in my husband’s armor in the summer of 2019 when I threw in his face that he should go back to her or run off with someone else who understood him better. He felt so rejected and hurt after all we had fought through to bond and heal after the affair. I thought he had gotten over it. But those words had wounded and let in other doubts, hopelessness, negativity, bitterness, and despair.

We continued on but in February 2020 after a traumatic injury with one of our kids and a simple misunderstanding in the hospital parking lot, we found ourselves disconnected again, hurt and for my husband, hopeless. One night he shared with me he had lost hope in us. I begged him to give me a chance to change. That I was working on the way I said things and was trying to build up not tear down our marriage. He held me and I cried. But he was in a despondent mood not pulling away yet not fighting for us either. He truly didn’t believe I’d change. I tried my best to express positivity and love for him but he remained in despair. This was so different from how he always acted. He always pointed me to the bright side, he always wanted to fight for us and convince me we were meant for each other. This was totally different thinking and behavior from him. I sensed this was serious and took the next day off of work to be with him and show him he was a priority. I also texted several friends pleading for prayer over our marriage. Every few days we had very emotional exchanges as he was so distant and I was trying to convince him I was changing.

I asked several times if there was someone else. If he was cheating again. He told me no. We talked about separating for a while and trying to start over dating and work on bonding again. I took a trip to the mountains by myself and stayed at an Air B & B in early March. Here I was again praying for wisdom how to proceed and prayed fervently for God to change me and restore our marriage. The text exchanges with him during that time were painful. He was so angry. All the bitterness and buried emotions he had from years of agruments or wrongful behavior I had displayed over the years came pouring out in floods. He was hyper sensitive. I felt rejected, alone, unloved and vulnerable. But God laid several things on my heart during this time.

1. I had to keep planting good. I was now reaping the negative effects of years of selfishness. Now I made a choice that no matter what my spouse chose to do I needed to obey God and speak life. I needed to do good. This was a verse I took to heart and chose to live by. (Galatians 6:8 “What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others-ignoring God! -harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.”

2. I had to keep clinging to who God said I was. I no longer felt wanted by my spouse but I was by God. I repeatedly played the song “No Longer Slaves” over and over.

I needed to hear those words affirmed over me that I am a child of God. I would go to sleep with that song playing. 

I kept trying to reach out to my husband but there was not much change in his heart toward me. He took a trip late March with the kids for a camping trip. I had to stay home and work. While he was gone I felt so lonely. I also wanted answers as he had become very guarded. He had left his bookbag in his closet. It was the one he carried with him everywhere.  As I searched the pockets ones by one I found his wedding band. I solemnly held it in my hands. I felt hurt, yet felt forgiving toward him because I had done the same thing to him after the affair when I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay together either. But I also found paperwork in his bag that pointed to a female coworker and it greatly alarmed me. It needed an explanation and it was hard to explain other than that he was in the middle of another breach of infidelity or full blown affair. That weekend was hell for me. As I waited for him to come home from their trip. I got on my knees pleading with God to help me confront him and get the truth.

What I didn’t expect was the change in his attitude toward me when he got home. He actually asked if I wanted him to take me out for my birthday that was coming. I told him I didn’t know. He was confused and said didn’t I say I wanted to date again? I told him I had wanted that but now I needed to talk to him before making that decision. Trembling I set out the evidence and asked for an explanation. It was not as far along as it appeared, but he was in the steps of another affair. They were in the texting emotional phase. As difficult as it was to hear it also washed me with incredible relief to know the truth and to realize what we had to work with. We did choose to separate to work through these things but I felt better knowing the truth was in the open and now we could work on the same page. He hadn’t gone too far, we could repair this.

We chose to take a break from sex and he slept on the couch while I stayed in our bedroom. Sex had always been an easy fix for us and I didn’t want it to be this time. I wanted to really fix what was wrong with our communication, with my bad patterns of ungratefulness or not making him a priority. Meanwhile he looked for a place to rent so we could officially have some time separate.

Things escalated however as he hadn’t blocked her number and when she reached out to him again, their texting continued. One night after I knew they had been texting I made one final desperate plea for him to stop doing this and to give me a chance. That I wanted him and demanded he stop running from God and pursuing her. Again he lay despondent on the couch unable to comfort me, make a decision, or make a move. I left and went up to my room and balled my eyes out. I was also angry now that he was immovable and seemed unable to budge from this destructive course. He was headed right back down the path to an affair. Making all the wrong decisions and unable to listen to reason. I had lost him. But I also knew I needed him out. I needed him out now. If he was not willing to commit to me than I did not want to share the same home together, especially if he was reaching out to this female coworker. The next morning, I had prepared a separation document with a statement and place for us to sign and date. I did not want to do this but as he continued down his path I didn’t want to be unprotected. I wanted documentation and the process of separation to begin so that if it was unfixable the clock had begun ticking for the time it would require for an official divorce. Within a few days he found a place to rent and left.

My outer world was falling apart, my inner emotions were completely shaken, yet my spirit was hanging on for all I was worth. Hanging on to a God who loved me and promised me the worst was never the worst no matter how it looked. Why? Because HE (GOD) would never walk out on me.

I was about to find out how God would meet me in the middle of my mess again and come through for me.

Lamentations 3: 28-30

“When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst. 31-33 Why? Because the Master won’t everwalk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way…”