Fight or Flight

Dear Reader,

It has been over a year and a half since my last blog post. There is something healthy and healing in stepping away and choosing to not dwell on the past. Yet this story is so apart of me, of us, that it is still being told and lessons lived. I am currently writing our story in book form. There are many things to consider in actually bringing such a thing to publication, one that will need a lot of consideration. But as was originally my purpose in blogging, I wanted to help others. I wanted to share my story just as I thirsted to hear other’s stories of survival and hope during the thick of that broken time in my life.

I blogged once about unpleasant reminders or “triggers” as I call them. These are the things that bring about memories of the affair. Last night I had a wonderful date with my husband. Candlelight dinner at home, dancing, and some games. But I had a dream after going to bed. In the dream I was hurt over finding he had purchased a porn magazine and kept it at the apartment he stayed at when he had to work out of town. (All of this is just dream material not real life) I felt hurt and insecure in the dream and as I was about to leave the room I saw “her”. She was there too. But at that moment I was more upset about the magazine. I walked out of the room and started to put my shoes on to leave. But I also knew that if I left them there alone I’d always have doubts and uncertainty as to whether he cheated again on me with her. I had a decision to make. Was I going to do what I always do? Flight. Or was my marriage worth fighting for? Was I going to march back in there and be willing to fight for us? In the dream I did go back into the room that he was trying to leave from. So he wasn’t going to stay there with her after all.

I awoke still feeling twinges of insecurity. His alarm went off early in the morning. I snuggled closer and told him I had a bad dream. He asked if we had been fighting in the dream. I said yes, and told him “she” was there. And that I began to leave, but that I’m learning and went back to fight for us. We dozed off for a few minutes, then before he got up he kissed me goodbye and said sleepily “Thank you for fighting for us.”

In the blog post Message in the Affair, my husband’s message had been that he felt alone. All through our marriage I stonewalled when I was upset with him, withdrew or would go into flight mode. His recognition of my dream and my actions in it are legitimate feelings. This past summer I did not fight for us. I was about to capsize us again.

Because there is so little openly shared of success stories of people who have stayed together and healed after an affair, I still wonder so much how those couples do after those first few years. Do they bring it up in fights? Is it the “go to” when things go wrong? Even with fights years later? Do they ‘forget” about it and never bring it back up? Sometimes to my shame I have used it to excuse my selfish sinful desires or feelings.

This last summer we went on a family vacation. Usually these are pleasant times for us. However the day we left I was in a mood. I just felt annoyed and chose to fixate on any differences between my hubby and I that I didn’t like. He was too slow reading the directions. He didn’t start driving soon enough. He was talking too much. Etc… I tried to hide my annoyance but he could tell I was ornery. Unfortunately my moodiness rubbed off on him. So by the next day I was happy and contented and now he was in a bad mood.

We spent a long day at a lake mostly divided because one of us stayed with the older kids out in the deep water without a lifeguard, while the other stayed with our youngest on the little sandy area. That evening I felt like taking a walk. We had a very tiny Air B and B with no privacy for us because the kids all slept in the only bedroom while we had an air mattress in the tiny living room. After being on the water all day with the boys I wanted a break. I started to get my shoes on. My husband felt frustrated seeing me doing this, thinking I again was just going to up and do my own thing and leave him alone with the kids (as he also had been with the youngest all day). He asked if I was walking and then suggested I take the kids. I sensed his tone and in an icy return of silence took the kids with me. We walked for quite some time. I was angry and simmering inside. Years of bitterness, old annoyances rubbing raw again, selfish desires, negative thoughts and mindsets swirled around me with every step.

After bringing the kids back from the walk, I had them go on inside ahead of me while I stayed outdoors still breathing out frustration. Was this ever going to work? Was this really what I wanted? How is God making us new? I just felt hopeless. More than anything I felt the weight of my inability to change. How could we survive if I didn’t change? He had changed since the confession. He is a good man. Why can’t I overlook our differences? Why is it the end of the world that he does things slower or more methodical when I’d rather plough through it like a bull? Why can’t I value the way he sees the world? Why do I have to judge his perspective and think the way I see is the only way? And maybe, maybe I don’t want to fight for this marriage because it would require me to have to face my sins and deal with them.

I tried to pray that night but I had already accepted defeat. I entered the room. He sat on the couch. I had been gone so long the kids were already in bed. We sat in silence, the air so thick you could cut a knife. I started by saying I don’t think this is going to work. That we were too different. That as I failed to be the wife he deserved I felt like I was just biding my time til he grew unhappy enough to cheat again. I told him “she” had had so much more in common with him that he would be better off going back to her or finding someone else. I said a lot of hurtful things like that that night. I finally paused waiting in the silence.

As I had fired out those things, I saw him as an unfeeling villain. As an enemy. Yet in that pause suddenly the tears began to fall. I had broken him with my words. I had flung his sins back in his face again. I had mocked everything we had tried to heal and rebuild. I was telling him to go back to “her” when he left “her” and risked everything to fix us. Why had I done this? All because I loved myself and my sins and didn’t want to love this person who was different from me. Immediately I felt remorse. Seeing how much I had hurt him grieved me. We cried together. I wish I could say that the rest of the vacation was wonderful. It took a lot of time for him to heal from that. And it felt like it set us back considerably in having a healthier marriage.

Marriage is a breathing living thing. Like a garden we have to keep tending it or it can die or become unhealthy. Every story is different and each person has different battles to overcome in marriage. But after last year and stepping into 2020, I am praying through cultivating a deeper friendship with my spouse. I have not treated him as a good friend. I love my friends dearly and though they are different from me I still love and accept them. If I can love and accept them for their differences why should my husband be any different? True friends don’t run. Don’t give into flight mode. Friends fight for each other and their relationships. They value one another. God help me this year to be a true friend to my spouse and fight for our marriage. To fight through my own selfish desires that get in the way. To fight the distractions and unnecessary busyness that interferes with connection. To fight the negative mindsets that do not inspire me to build and hope in our future.

Are you friends with your spouse? How have you worked at building friendship since the affair?