Processing Anger After An Affair

 

This could be a dangerous topic. Emotions are high after finding out your spouse cheated. One minute you may feel emotionless, another you might feel sympathy if your spouse seems repentant, then the next you may want to kill them. I would strongly advise against the latter. Lol Yikes! But seriously, I have been there in those emotions and feelings.

I did not want to kill my spouse but I did feel the urge to hit him. One particular time I had felt fine all day, but as we neared home other feelings took over and I had a surge of temper and testosterone that needed to get out. As soon as we got home I put on some running shoes and went jogging in the dark. I ran my frustrations out until I felt I had exausted myself.

After confiding in my sister-in law early on after the confession, she let me release some rage on my brother’s punching bag. Quite honestly this was one of my favorite ways to deal with my anger in a physical way. The book Torn Assunder suggests putting a picture of your spouse and or partner on a bed and whacking it with a bat.  I felt weird doing that so I just stuck with the punching bag or runs. Sometimes just walking outside and praying out loud just helped me to get a fresh breath of air.

Confined places were the worst for me, like being in the car. Because if the conversation went south I was trapped with nowhere to go. I’m not proud of it, but that’s where one of my big outburst happened. It was only about a week after the confession he made at our counseling session, and we were going back to our counselor to talk some more. He had answered my questions regarding basics of the affair and some details, but it was a lot to take in, so as I digested information more questions came. We were sitting in traffic and I was asking about how they communicated. They used an app to communicate privately. He wavered back and forth with trying to end it, but they continued communication. He wanted them to come clean and she didn’t agree, threatening to do drastic things. He told himself he’d go out there to talk to her and straighten things out. The plane ticket had been bought and as he headed to the airport he started looking forward to seeing her. Conscience took over though and he turned the car around and came home. Though I was thankful this trip didn’t occur. It turned all kinds of emotions in me, anger at the money that had been spent on the tickets when we were tight, and at that time it was near our birthdays. I had saved my money so we could go on a little weekend getaway to celebrate. I felt anger with this new information, that the feelings for her and near continuation of their physical relationship was closer to the confession date. He admitted to looking on the app only a few months before the confession to see if she had reached out to him. This made me snap. And what if she had??? I had worked so hard during those last months on our marriage and thought we had made progress. And now this? I decided then and there he wasn’t committed to me til the day he confessed. That was the day the affair ended.

From the passsengers seat I stared out the window heat rising up in my chest. I was at the boiling point. At that moment I had two urges either Fight or Flight. Looking out in stopped traffic I could see some backyards from a distance. I seriously considered opening the door and sprinting for those yards. Where I would have run to and for how long, I have no idea. But I felt I needed to get out. Instead, pure rage took over. I screamed and beat my fists mercilessly on the dashboard. My husband’s arm took a handful of hits too. Then I sat silently fuming the rest of the way there.

 

In the book Torn Assunder it says:

“The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY FOR TRUE RECOVERY TO OCCER. People do not get better until they get mad” (p. 134)  It goes on to say: “You only get mad about things that really matter to you. Thus anger shows that the spouse cares about the relationship and values it.” P. 177

But we do need to try and find healthy avenues to express it. Exercise, find a punching bag, talk to a friend, pray! Tell God your frustrations and pain. Journal or write a letter. I wrote a letter to my husband’s partner because I knew her. I stated my wishes and expressed my hurt. However I wrote the letter so early on that I had not had time to fully process my anger or feelings. I had basically cut communication with her completely. And she didn’t answer her phone the day I called to let her know I knew. So I never got to express my feelings to her. I have chosen to forgive her and it has to be a continual choice. But I shared with my counselor the struggle I have with this anger that never got to be expressed. She suggested writing another letter to her. This would not be a letter to send, but one to express my feelings to her and disappointment for my own processing. She suggested not name calling or writing hatefully, but that it was perfectly ok to write about hating the sin and what she did to me. I did find it helpful. I chose to keep my letter, but if you write one you could also burn it and release it after writing it out.