Wrestling with God

 

I came from a household that regularly wrestled with each other. There was lots of tickling wars, piggie back rides, stealing my dad’s socks off his feet, and hanging on dad’s legs to try and bring him down during a wrestling match. Later on in my teens my brother and I took karate and spared together.

After getting married sometimes frustration or sexual energy was turned into wresting matches. Though my husband always managed to pin me, those brief moments that I could get him for a second and tickle him mercilessly or get out of a hold, kept me going. There’s always been this restlessness or pent up frustration/aggression in me that needs to come out once in awhile.

This past month I have been greatly restless, actually anxious is probably the better word. Dealing with a very tight budget, needing to downsize, beginning lots of part time work, shifting my focus from being a homeschool mom to work woman, and still adjusting to a new relationship with my husband since the affair, has left me stressed, depressed, and anxious.

This past sunday I asked for prayer at church. The lady who prayed for me reminded me that God is in control of this situation. And that she felt contentment is what God was impressing in all these situations. It’s one thing to know these things and agree with them, but it’s another to live it out.

Later that afternoon my husband and I got into several wrestling matches. I just felt like I still had this pent up frustration that needed to get out. Getting ready for bed and thinking about wrestling, the story of Jacob wrestling with God came to my mind.

I went back to read the passage.

Then Jacob prayed, “God of my grandfather Abraham and God of my father Isaac, hear me! You told me, Lord , to go back to my land and to my relatives, and you would make everything go well for me. I am not worth all the kindness and faithfulness that you have shown me, your servant. I crossed the Jordan with nothing but a walking stick, and now I have come back with these two groups. Save me, I pray, from my brother Esau. I am afraid—afraid that he is coming to attack us and destroy us all, even the women and children. Remember that you promised to make everything go well for me and to give me more descendants than anyone could count, as many as the grains of sand along the seashore.”
Genesis 32:9‭-‬12 GNT

Jacob then sent on gifts ahead to his brother and made his family come last behind the whole company of workers and people in his tribe hoping they would get away if the first group was attacked.

….but he stayed behind, alone. Then a man came and wrestled with him until just before daybreak. When the man saw that he was not winning the struggle, he hit Jacob on the hip, and it was thrown out of joint. The man said, “Let me go; daylight is coming.” “I won’t, unless you bless me,” Jacob answered. “What is your name?” the man asked. “Jacob,” he answered. The man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob. You have struggled with God and with men, and you have won; so your name will be Israel.” Jacob said, “Now tell me your name.” But he answered, “Why do you want to know my name?” Then he blessed Jacob. Jacob said, “I have seen God face-to-face, and I am still alive”; so he named the place Peniel. The sun rose as Jacob was leaving Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip.
Genesis 32:24‭-‬31 GNT

Several things struck me. Jacob was reminding God of His promises to him to prosper him and thanking God for all He’d done. But Jacob openly admitted he was afraid to face his brother. He sends his family on ahead and then wrestles with God in the form of a fleshly opponent. So it seems to me he is wrestling from fear and not wanting to face this, but also is he wrestling to trust in God and His promise? God told him he would prosper him, God said He would be with Jacob wherever he went….

Remember, I will be with you and protect you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done all that I have promised you.”
Genesis 28:15 GNT

And get this, after having his hip dislocated he is still hanging on refusing to let his opponent loose until He blesses him. I love the fact people in the Bible are like us. Imperfect, messed up, and weak at times. Just like me, I think Jacob needed another reminder or confirmation that God was with him, that God would preserve and prosper him. And God did bless him.

Now was the struggle real? Yes, and it turned out painful as well. It left a mark on Jacob that he carried for the rest of his life, a limp. But it was a struggle that made him stronger.

In my own life I still wrestle with “my dreams” I had for my marriage. This was not the plan I had. And there are still lessons, healing, and fears I have to wrestle through in this process. Just like Jacob I want to know… God, are you going to bless me for doing what I feel you wanted me to do, in staying, forgiving, and restoring? Will you make my marriage new like you promised. Will you provide for me? Will you be will me no matter what happens and no matter how my life turns out?

What I love about the end of the wrestling match is that as Jacob walked ahead to face his fears the sun rose over him. I can’t help but imagine the purpose in stating this in the text was to symbolize God’s love and favor over him. And the actual meeting with his brother couldn’t have turned out any better! Esau embraced his brother and there was grace and peace between them. This big giant of Jacob’s was transformed into a miracle meeting. Now don’t get me wrong, there definitely was something for him to be afraid of, and facing the pain and work it takes to heal and restore your marriage after an affair is very hard stuff, but if our God is with us and for us we can face it.