Valentines and First Loves

I love holidays and themes so since it is February, the month of love, I will be writing some posts with the theme of dating, love, and marriage.

Can you remember your first love? I’m sure you do! It had to be pretty memorable or maybe even embarrassing for those that were the first love of someone else. This was my case.

When I was in first grade a little boy named Michael was very fond of me. We used to play together and go to Sunday school at the same church. He was a friend to me and I was ok with that, but I shied away from overbearing, affectionate attentions. One morning we were at a big Sunday school assembly when not just the 1st graders, but ALL the 1st -5th graders were present. I was on one side of the room sitting with some of my girl friends and Michael was on the other side of the room. The topic of the day was loving others. The teacher up front asked who were people we loved? One little boy stood up and said he loved his mom. A little girl stood up and said she loved her brother. Then Michael stood up and said “I love April.” My cheeks flushed red and when I didn’t think it could get any worse, the teacher who didn’t know me asked, “Who is April?” Michael excitedly yelled, “She’s over there!”, pointing in my direction.  I slouched down in my seat while every head turned and looked around the room to spot this girl. My friends who knew me were all giggling. A boy behind our row started pointing at each girl asking them if they were me. When he pointed and asked me I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders.

I had some crushes growing up, a Hollywood crush on Harrison Ford, a starry eyed attachment to a translator (who was eight years my senior) for a Mexico Missions trip I went on as a teen. But still I had never had a First Love until I fell in love with Jesus.

One February 14th I made a special promise to My First Love. It was the year I turned 18. Part of what made that holiday special was the previous growth and development of a love relationship with Jesus at the age of 14. My youth group had done a devotional called “Experiencing God”. In this devotional I learned that Jesus wanted a close, personal, love relationship with his children. One day the lesson asked for the reader to take a prayer walk with God and pray out loud for 30 mins. This was something new for me. I had prayed for meals and before bed in my head, but to walk outside and talk out loud just like He was right there walking with me was a novel idea. The first day I did it, I loved it. My prayer walks turned into full hours and sometimes multiple walks during the day. I told God everything. He became my confidant and best friend.

As a teen I subscribed to a Christian girl’s magazine called Brio. There was an article about committing yourself to Jesus as your first love in a sort of marriage commitment between you and him and promising to marry only someone who would enhance your walk with Christ and not detract from it. I know I had some silly girly romantic ideas about this, but it was a very special and serious thing for me especially at that time. I was bursting with excitement to do it. I picked out an outfit that was white so I could feel like a bride and took extra care to do my hair and pin some pearl barettes in my blonde locks. It was a rainy day but I didn’t care. I was starry eyed and ready to meet my Savior in a prayer walk I’d never forget. I carried the words of the vow under my umbrella and spoke them to him. The certificate had a place to sign and date and even a witness line which I later had my best friend sign.

That summer I met my husband. He was my first earthly love, and has been the only man I’ve ever loved in a romantic marital way. I suppose this is one of the reasons also that the betrayl of the affair was extra painful to me.

I am not always romantic but we always have celebrated Valentines in some special way. Over the years my favorite Valentines with my husband have been date nights at home. I try to cook something special, put the kids to bed early, light candles, play Michael Buble, and enjoy a relaxed romantic evening together. We even dress up in fancy clothes and shoes for each other.

Last year we had a candlelight dinner at home. It was a pleasant night. I was still trying to resurrect my heart from issues of my husband’s past that impacted our marriage. Slowly I was reaching out and working on loving him. Ironically, I purposefully picked the song “All of Me” by John Legend for us to slow dance to. I told him that just like the words in the song all our cards were on the table and we were risking it all though its hard. What I didn’t know was that all the cards were not on the table. Though my husband was not able at the time to physically see the “other woman” he still was in a long distance affair, not fully willing to completely end it. Now here we are a year later. And by the grace of God we are still together. Steadily my feelings of love are returning. For awhile it was a confusing mix of emotions in the pain and I had to choose to love. Now there are things I can choose to respect and admire my husband for despite the betrayal of last year. I have seen him change and want to see what God sees when He looks at him.

This year my love is deeper. More mature. My love isn’t based on fantasy and what I imagine my husband to be, nor just a lovey dovey puppy dog love, its a love tested in the fire of adversity. A committed love, a loyal love, and a forgiving love. I still have much to work on because often my love is still very self centered and selfish in nature. But my love has still matured greatly through this struggle.

I don’t know where you are in your relationship, or even if your spouse has left and you are alone. Can I just encourage you and declare to you that you are loved beyond your ability to fathom? God sings over you friend, and quiets you with his love. Let it sink in, quiet your heart and listen……………I love you. I love you. I. Love. YOU. All of you, unconditionally. No matter what you’ve done, no matter what has happened to you. In the brokeness, tears, or rejection you may feel from your spouse, God will never leave you. Will you open your heart to Him this Valentines? 

“The Lord thy God in the midst of you is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over you with joy; he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17