Cleaning Up After An Affair

If you learn your spouse is having an affair and you decide to stay and work things out together, there will be a bit of “clean up” that needs to be done. Things have to change. There is an accountability and responsibility for your spouse to be open and honest if there is to be trust rebuilt. When my husband confessed it was an accountability to me, and there were things I asked him to do to end that relationship so we could work on ours.

He changed his number and email that she had. I also had access to his email on my phone to check or view as needed. He deleted pictures and apps they had shared. She was blocked from social media sites.

Another step we both took was to remove people of the opposite sex from our friends list. Whether they posed a “threat” of attraction or not. For me this was a struggle as I had been unhappy in our marriage and was now hurting and fantasizing that someone else would make me happy. There were some guy friends I had to delete so that I would not be tempted to contact them or get distracted from working on my marriage.

My husband shared his location with me on google maps so that at any time I could locate him on the map when he wasn’t home. I had access to his phone and could pick it up at random to search through it. I call this cleaning up, but perhaps it’s more of building trust and accountability again.

I’m going to take a minute and address those women who personally knew “the other woman”. This person who was friend, family, co-worker, or someone you had shared life and memories with. This was a strange emotional thing for me. Though I certainly felt very angry at her I still had good memories with this person years before the affair had started. Somehow there was part of me that could separate the good and bad. But because of my anger and not wanting reminders of her, I had to purge the house. Gifts she had given me were given or thrown away. The mattress and sheets they laid on removed. Pictures I had were removed. In one fit of anger I marched to our closet saying I was going to destroy our wedding photos. My husband had let me carry on with my purging but at that remark he barred my way. Though at that time I was furious and felt as though our marriage meant nothing. I cooled off and told him that I wouldn’t destroy all of them, but needed to remove any with her. However one photograph caused me to pause. The photographer had captured her and I in an embrace with her back to the camera.  My eyes were closed hugging her tightly and I remember there had been tears in her eyes with this embrace on my wedding day. As I looked at the photograph it was not just a positive memory of the past, but also something of the prophetic future I hoped we would share.

I called her about a week after my husband’s confession. It was one of the hardest phone calls I’ve ever made. But it was something I felt I needed to do and face head on. My sister in law sat beside me for moral support. I dialed and waited. Blessedly the voicemail answered. Leaving a message, I told her that I knew, and that my husband and I wanted to give her the chance to tell her husband before he heard it through the grapevine. I also told her I would be sending her a letter that would relay my wishes, but that I did not want a reply back. She texted back later with an apology and an understanding that she would look for my letter. Then I blocked her number.

At the time of writing the letter I was still very numb and had much to process. Emotions are a funny thing and there are layers to my feelings. Though I expressed feelings in my letter,  I never actually got to hear her voice and speak to her personally, and therefore didn’t fully get to process the anger I felt. Though I wish no ill on her, I still can’t half imagine not wanting to punch her in the face upon greeting her. There’s a part of me that wants to express to her the anger and pain she caused me.

I once had a friend of a mutual friend who had her feelings hurt by the other individual. I witnessed the interchange and sudden defensive outburst and quick departure of my friend. We were at a mom’s hang out at a park. Seeing my friend leave and being a bit confused as to why the reaction was so strong, I followed her to her car to see if she was ok. She was crying and felt rejected and bullied.

Several months later I received a text message from her stating she still was struggling with this other friend and couldn’t understand her or get the incident out of her head, and asked for advice. I started to text a reply that was sympathetic, then I felt like the Holy Spirit laid the answer on my heart. Pray for her I said. When we can’t change someone or are angry with someone we should pray for them. Even Jesus said to pray and do good to your enemies. I take this advice for myself. It helps sometimes to pray for the other woman. To know that holding onto anger and  hatred isn’t going to make my life better or help me out.

So I was able to write this letter to the other woman, recognising the good in her as well as my disappointments and pain. I told her that she was no longer safe for me and my family and that we were cutting contact. But I told her that I looked forward to the day when we could embrace each other as changed women in heaven. I do believe she has a relationship with Jesus despite this failing, and I recognize the sexual bondage she is in, as this was apart of her past as well. Even if she was not in bondage to sexual temptations, there just have to be boundaries between us because of the affair.

I kept the photograph of our embrace tucked away in a copy of the letter I wrote her and placed it in an old memorabilia box. It will still always be a painful memory but also a reminder of what I hope will be full healing between us in eternity.