Breaking the Ice After Confession

This past Christmas break my husband and I went to the mountains for a day hike. At 19 degrees with steady falling snow, our hike was extra challenging, but beautiful. The second trail we took lead us to a very long and narrow waterfall. We edged our way down to get beside the varying levels of the falls to achieve our best Instie shots. There were icicles alongside it and interesting bumpy ice formations in other areas (as in the picture above).

I don’t know who first came up with the expression “breaking the ice”, but usually I think of group gatherings where there’s an ice breaker game. A game that loosens everyone up encourages conversation and hopefully makes you a little more comfortable with the group etc. But in more intimate settings between just two or a few people, breaking the ice could be more of throwing some humor to a tense situation, or just being the first to introduce yourself or share something with another.

Ice is hard. It’s cold, sometimes thick. Sometimes we have outer shells or walls we put up to separate ourselves from others. Sometimes when we’re angry we become cold as ice towards that person. Yet there is a world of emotion churning up underneath. Just like my waterfall under the bumpy ice there was still water flowing underneath. How do you get to it? You have to break through.

Since I had told my family about the affair, my father hadn’t spoken to my husband. An affair doesn’t just hurt and affect the spouse, it hurts those who are close to them too. Each person has to process their emotions. If you choose to stay with your spouse and work through things, your close interactions together allow you to process so much more. Because of our move, going months without my father talking to my husband wasn’t all that difficult, but coming home was. The weeks and months of change, healing, and forward restoration were occurring in us. We were processing, progressing, and moving forward. Yet for family or friends that have not processed, accepted your choice, or seen your progress, will be stuck somewhat in the past.

I asked my dad to please be willing to speak with my husband. I told my dad it was ok for him to still struggle with some anger or need time to trust again, but I did not want my husband ignored; as he is still apart of me. Nor did I want them to meet and pretend everything was fine and just sweep it under the rug and never confront it. Isn’t that what so many of us do with hard conversations or situations? I know I do. I don’t really want to talk about this…so lets just go on and pretend like nothing is wrong. Time will make it better right? Yet we miss out on some healing or root issues because we don’t want to deal with things. And things that could have perhaps been fixed early on but aren’t dealt with, give us a sort of limp that gets worse each time that issue or problem comes up again.

So with much prayer and pleading for humility, we went to break the ice. We were received well, but sensing the premise of pretending nothing is wrong, my husband opened the conversation with my dad. Initiating the topic allowed for my husband to apologize, my dad to express his feelings in a calm way, and for acknowledgment of trying to move on. It was a short conversation, but a step forward.

I know we are supposed to live peacefully as much as we are able with others. And it is good for the spouse who was unfaithful to try and reconcile with those who were affected. Yet I know not all individuals affected will be open to this. All you can do is try and pray. I do hope that as God has given me grace to forgive, He will use me as an example to others and empower them with the same grace to forgive.