Christmas Blues

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; a light has dawned on those living in the land of darkness. Isaiah 9:2

 

I am thankful for Christmas this year in a new town, new house, different experience. But this holiday season is still sprinkled with reminders and anniversaries of the affair. It was this week before Christmas last year that my husband was gone most of the entire week. While I believed he was held on overtime at work, unbeknownst to me, he had flown more than halfway across country to be with “the other woman”. I remember that week being stressful, what week isn’t leading up to Christmas? I also attributed his emotional distance with busyness at work. I felt bad for him when we knew he had duty on Christmas Eve, but then they were short on people and needed him to stay on Christmas Day as well. We had the whole family coming to our house, and since I’d only seen him one night in the middle of the whole week, it was extra disappointing to be held for Christmas after being gone almost all week. A co-worker stepped in and worked the shift for him so he could come home. I was thankful for this and being able to see him and have him here with family coming. But I’ll never forget the picture I took of the both of us that morning. Smiling into the camera, it was a good picture and one I posted on fb saying how happy I was he got to be home. However my spirit could sense what my mind didn’t know. It was like he wasn’t there with me. Even in the picture, he smiled and looked happy but I felt almost out of place beside him. There were many signs and senses that I had that something was out of place. I had day dreams and insecurities about “her” that he assured me were not true. I watched him put great thought and effort into the gifts that we sent to her and her family.

No matter what time of year it is, if your spouse cheated on you, there will be reminders, anniversaries and probably some extra emotions during these times. For me there are mixed emotions. On the one hand its been a year since his trip to see her. A year can seem like a long time, yet as its flown by it still seems like only a short time. At this point there’s still a desire to have distance from these events. To move on and hope with time some of the memories and pain will continue to fade away.

Strange how even subconsciously I repeated something of last year. She got him a study journal last year. And she’d written some encouraging notes in it. Not purposely thinking or remembering that, I got him a journal that I could design. I picked out scrapbook paper to decorate the cover. And thought about what Bible verse to put on the front. I used the verse God laid on our hearts before we moved:

“I am going to do something new. It is already happening. Don’t you recognize it? I will clear a way in the desert. I will make rivers on dry land.” Isaiah 43:19

When I was trying to decide whether to stay or leave him, God kept putting these words before us. I am making things new. When there is no way, (no human way possible), God makes a way. I truly believed there would never be anyway for me to move on from an affair. I strongly felt that if he ever did that I would leave. But God did what was impossible for me. He took the broken and created something new. I wanted to write a prayer in the journal. Giving God our marriage. One thing I’ve treasured for years is a prayer my husband wrote in his Bible the day I told him (my boyfriend at the time) that I loved him.  He waited for me to fall in love with him. I think even at that point he wanted to head towards marriage. So he was so thankful for my declaration of love and that he had finally won my heart and that in a sense I belonged to him.  So I wanted to write this prayer as a beginning to our new marriage.

Friend, I pray the Light of the World shines on you in this season, especially if this is a hard time for you. May the gift of His presence comfort and surround you. I pray He will give you strength and grace during these Christmas Blues.