Freedom in Forgiveness

“Guard against turning back from the grace of God. Let no one become like a bitter plant that grows up and causes many troubles with its poison.” Hebrews 12:15

Obviously one of the biggest challenges I faced after learning about my husband’s affair was trying to forgive. There was almost this power I felt in withholding forgiveness, and feeling like if I was to do so it would leave me too vulnerable. Or did forgiving mean I couldn’t be angry or process through my emotions afterwards? I had been good in the past with holding grudges and getting bitter over time with those little things that annoyed or grated on me in our marriage. I also had seen how that had contributed to some of the deterioration within our marriage.

In the fall of 2016 when God got ahold of my husband’s heart and showed him he was the prodigal son who needed to return home, we began Beth Moore’s Breaking Free devotional. That was a special time of spiritual growth and source of bonding between us. My prayer for a long time had been for my husband to have a deep relationship with Jesus. For him to hunger and thirst for God. I was seeing God move in him like never before and a repentant and tender heart emerged.

Part of the Breaking Free study talks about our family history and some of the sin habits and bondage that is passed on through our families. I clearly saw anger, stonewalling, and grudge holding as family bondage passed down in my life. Some interactions with my family members struggling with this helped me to gain an outsiders perspective and recognize its effects in my own life, especially mirrored against my husband’s different behavior. Over the years my husband had been the peacemaker, the one trying to communicate when I wanted to stonewall and shut him out. Certainly my husband had his own sinful habits and behaviors, but in these areas he showed a good example. I also watched his attitude change towards difficult co-workers and his example in accepting different and difficult people and seek to live in peace with them. Others who had to work with these individuals often complained and were miserable. Yet my husband often found freedom in embracing the differences, letting go of bitterness and moving on. I could see in my family members and myself  how holding onto our bitterness, though there was that feeling of power, actually was draining. We were not living in freedom, but bondage. And I wanted to be the one to break that pattern. In the same way to withhold forgiveness was not just punishing my husband but myself as well.

I not only had to forgive my husband but also the partner of the affair. She happened to be someone who had been close to me which added to the betrayal. The last night I spent at my parents house, I put the kids to bed and took a walk out on their property. Out in the country the stars shown brightly. I could hear the crickets singing, and the crunch of the gravel as I walked in the moonlight down their wooded driveway. I had come to meet with God, to pour out my heart and try to release every hurt and betrayal I could think of regarding everything with the affair. It was freeing to give everything to God. Did I cry?Yes. Did it still hurt? Yes. But I was consciously making a decision to obey God. To release my spirit from bitterness and pain that wouldn’t go away if I chose to hold onto it. After this sacred time of prayer, I called my husband, who for days had been in torment, over whether I would leave him or stay. Shortly after he answered the phone I told him I forgave him. He cried.

I understood then as I still am experiencing now that forgiveness is a choice and a process. I have to continually choose to forgive. There are still days that painful memories or thoughts will come up and I feel angry or resentful. These are the times I have to bring it back to God and chose to forgive again and move on.

I know that God’s work in me is to make me more like Jesus. What better opportunity to truly be apart of the redemptive work and grace of God by taking up my cross and following my Lord’s example in forgiving my spouse? It is hard work friend, but through God’s strength we can do this and live in the freedom of forgiveness rather than rot in the bitterness of  unforgiveness.