My Way Out or To Stay?

Uncertainty was what I felt during those weeks after the discovery of my husband’s affair. Should I go, should I stay? Was I foolish and weak to stay? Was I selfish and unloving to leave? Was my marriage worth saving? Was I really happy with him? Would he do it again? Lots of questions swirled around my mind.

The truth was we had been on a rocky road with ups and downs the past two years prior to this point. I was a stonewaller, who when angry would shut down emotionally and conversationally, until he yeilded and apologized first. I never wanted to be vulnerable. I hated the discomfort of admitting I was wrong and truely apologizing. Through the years he was the peacemaker and eventually it wore on him. The things I did wrong grated on him and he would become bitter over time. We always struggled with communication because of our differing views, and my insecurities and emotions toppled over every time we had discussions about me changing something or compromising. To me it was “rejection”. I had a lot to learn. The counselor we were going to had really helped us to be able to talk things through. We had gone through a hard 7 months of counseling, but finally I felt like we were on the right track and making enough improvements so I was hopeful for our future. That was until the day of the confession.

Now I had a decision to make. Was all this work and progress for nothing? We had to start over from square one, and work on an entirely new set of struggles and hurts. The frustration of the last several years and the work of the past 7 months were weighing on me. I knew I had not been happy in our marriage. Taking my vows seriously,  I had planned to stick things out even though I was unhappy, but now? I had an out didn’t I?  A moral ticket to ending my marriage because of my husband’s infidelity. Didn’t I? This idea was greatly tempting to me at this time. However it was for the wrong reasons. I wanted male attention and acceptance. I wanted revenge. I wanted to get back at him for what he took from me. And because of being unhappy I wanted to dream of meeting someone new who would be all those things I wanted in a man. Just walk away and start over. There was a wrong philosophy to my thoughts however. Could anyone be all I wanted them to be? No. We are sinners married to sinners, and every one of us is selfish and unable to meet our spouses expectations all the time.

I had gone to the mountains for some prayer and meditation time the week after the confession. A few weeks later we moved our belongings into our new home. But I went back for one more week to my parents house to think, pray, and make a decision, knowing if I stayed with my husband, my kids would be starting summer school the next week in our new town.

My Aunt who is a pastor’s wife had spoken with me earlier that summer and recommended a book. It’s called “What did you Expect?” By Paul David Tripp. I was most bugged by two questions during the week at my parents house. Were we meant for each other? And would I be happier with someone else?

I desperately wanted answers. I really wanted my Aunt’s advice. With limited cell service getting in touch with her was a challenge so, after failing to contact her one night, I dove into the book. The book greatly challenged me and my heart and mindset with marriage. In many ways I realized I had married him because I was in love with the way he made me feel, and the fantasy I had of how he was going to fit into my plans and dreams for my life. I underlined a great deal of the book.  One of the sections that struck me great was this:

”We don’t really have time to love our spouse, in the purest sense of what that means, because we are too busy loving ourselves. What we actually want is for our spouse to love us as much as we love ourselves, and if our spouse is willing to do that, we will have a wonderful relationship. So we try to co-opt our spouse into a willing submission to the plans and purposes of our claustrophobic kingdom of one. “

“But there is more. Because sin is antisocial, it tends to dehumanize the people in our lives. No longer are they objects of our willing affection. No, they quit being the people we find joy in loving. Rather, they get reduced to one of two things. They are either vehicles to help us get what we want or obstacles in the way of what we want.”

~”What Did You Expect?”  P. 47

I had been treating my husband as an obstacle to my happiness and wanted him to go along with my plans and dreams for my life. God used this book to open my eyes to whose “kingdom” I’d been living for, it was my own, not God’s.

The following day my Aunt was able to give me some godly insight. Though she believed that God had put us together, she made an interesting point. When she first married my uncle there were differences that attracted them. But over the years some of those things were big frustrations. If she were to have know those things then would she have chosen that spouse? Perhaps not. But her point was that though my husband has a certain list of flaws and baggage, and a new man may not have those flaws, the new guy will have his own set of flaws and baggage. Each and every relationship has this. There will not be a perfect man or woman. I myself have baggage that I would be bringing into a new marriage as well if I chose to move on.  In a way my heart was looking for an excuse out. Though it was still painful and a hard decision. I felt it was the right one and what God wanted me to do, was to stay. My husband was also repentant. He was grieved over the pain he had caused me and often cried as he saw me cry.

I know there are all kinds of stories and situations out there. And I believe for those who are in a personal relationship with Jesus and have had a spouse who was unfaithful need to seriously pray and seek God’s guidance in a decision. Though the Bible does say a spouse can divorce over infidelity, still does not make it the best choice. Each has to open their hearts and humbly seek God’s will for you. Take the time to think, pray and read scripture. One concern with too much separation or thoughts during this process, when I was struggling with fantasizing about a new life and a new man, it was keeping me from making progress and rebuilding my marriage. Even though I had not made a firm decision yet, I was still married, still accountable before God for my vows regardless of the fact my husband broke his. After consciencly choosing this course and recognizing my sin and temptations I also had to be accountable and take steps to guard my own fidelity. One for me was cutting out men from my Facebook account. I didn’t need distractions.

Hang in there friend. Take time. You don’t have to decide today. I pray God’s peace and wisdom over these decisions and forward process into healing and recovery.