On My Knees

I grew up in a conservative church where worship was often fairly low key. As a teen I would raise my hands in worship from time to time. Then last year we started going to a church with an irresistible passion for God that showed in their worship. I started enjoying some special time at the alter during the music to bow and pray.

The first Sunday after my husband’s confession to an affair, I was in desperate need of hearing from God. A sweet friend from church who had spent time with me the day of the confession, and who had been through the same situation with her husband, gave me this advice. “You need a word from God.” When I had asked her how she made a decision to stay or leave, this was her answer. She said that there were going to be hard times and if I had peace that this was what God wanted, I wouldn’t back out of the marriage when things got hard. God had told her to fight for her marriage, and that is exactly what she did.

So leading up to that Sunday I asked the ladies of my church to please pray that the Spirit of God would pour down on me like never before and that I would hear a word from Him. We showed up late so there were no seats in the front row where I’d hoped to be. During the music however my soul was in need of being right at the throne. I climbed over the row in front of me and got down on my knees at the alter. I poured out my heart to God letting Him know “I’m here Lord! I’m waiting for You. I’m your servant and want what you want.” I praised Him for who He is. Though no one but the pastors knew what I was struggling with, many came and put their hands on me and were praying over me as I knelt.  Our Pastor also came over and said that “God has won!” He declared victory over my situation.

I believe that God primarily speaks through His word, the Bible. He does speak in many ways though like creation, counsel, prayer, and dreams.  However if a “word from God” contradicts Scripture, than it is not a true word from God. That being said, God spoke in so many ways to both me and my husband that day.  The word that God kept giving me was “mountains”. Even the worship songs mentioned mountains that God had moved and that we’d see Him do it again. He made a way when there was no way, and I believe I’ll see You do it again. In the pastor’s sermon was

Isaiah 42:16 “I will lead the blind by a way they did not know, I will guide them on paths they have not known. I will turn darkness to light….I will not forsake them.”  (This was definitely a path I had never walked before, I was completely dependent on Him leading through this unknown.)

Isaiah 43:19 “I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.”  (I always thought that there was no way I would ever reconcile if my spouse cheated on me. In fact I had actually told my husband if he ever did that I would walk away and be done with him. During the months leading up to the confession, God would gently nudge my husband to tell me. He told God, “There’s no way! I will loose her. Or she can’t handle it.” And God’s answer was, Am I not enough for her? Am I not big enough to handle this?

This time at the alter was not just for me but was also a family experience. My husband knelt nearby as well, and our oldest son who was 12, stayed close beside us. We did not tell the children what had happened, but my oldest clearly felt something was very wrong. He clung to us that day. During the service, while sitting between us, he drew my hand and my husband’s together. He wanted mommy and daddy together.

I walked away from the service with a peace. I clearly had felt Jesus’ presence at the alter and all during the service. I felt like God was saying He was going to make a way.

When we got home from church I told my husband I wanted to drive to a quiet place and do some journaling of all the things God had done that morning. As I sat in my car and journaled for several hours, I got a message from one of the ladies at my church. I did not know her and had never met her in person before, but she had seen my prayer request on the women’s Facebook prayer page. It was the request I had made for God to give me a word. Though she did not know me or my situation, she sent me this message.

”I saw your post and so I prayed about it and I wanted to share this with you. You are going through this dark tunnel, but you are not alone. The Heavenly Host of God’s Angels are walking in front and all around you to the light at the end of the tunnel. You feel as though you are going ever so slow, but you are moving rather quickly (God’s timing!). The trip has been feeling as a wilderness and lonely. There is a void in your spirit that can’t seem to be filled. So hold on for the exciting time to come. God has been molding you in preparation for a new spiritual level, one where you have never experienced before. Keep strong in seeking His face and when this is over- or when you come out of the tunnel- you will have a stronger faith and stronger spirit within you. Even though you feel weary and about to faint for longing for this void to be filled, stay in the Word and it will be so amazing to see what God has in store for you. You have a strong desire to see God work in your life and your family’s and your time with God and your faithfulness will be rewarded and restored many times over. Please keep me updated on the blessing that are coming your way. I will continue to be praying for you in this exciting time to come. I have no idea what you have been going through, but I do know that you have a strong faith and you want to have even more of it. God Bless and have a great day. I wanted to tell this to you in person, but my body is very tired and I had to rest. Hope to see you next Sunday and I go to the 9 am service. <3”

This was such an encouragement to me. Another thing I had been asking in prayer was that God would take me into a deeper relationship with Him. This was not what I wanted to go through to get me there. This was not the plan I had, would I be brave enough to let God take me deeper…..